SEX AND THE CHRISTIAN COUPLE

It is commonly thought that sex is more important in a relationship that has not yet matured to marriage than it is once a couple finally ties the knot. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Sex is an integral part of any marriage because it ensures the healthy expression of love between two people who plan on being together for the rest of their lives.

The problem is that through the course of a thirty-year marriage, sex will not always be on the first line of the priority list. Children, jobs, social engagements, stress, hobbies and other factors will limit the time available for sexual intercourse and will inevitably lessen the frequency with which a couple engages in sexual activity. Keeping sex alive in a marriage is important, however, and can be done. 

I was shocked at the frequency with which couples would admit to not having sex for two years or more. “We just didn’t have time” and “It wasn’t as good as it used to be” were several of the explanations I received, but it baffled me that married couples stop engaging in sex after a certain point. What happens to the fire that exists between newlyweds, and why do couples place sex on the back burner after marriage? 

Your marriage is the most important thing in your life, and your partner should be the center of that marriage. You eat meals together, sleep in the same bed, raise children as partners and attend social functions together. So where does sex fit in around that? When sex is not a part of marriage, two people forget why they want to be together, which might be one of the top reasons why so many marriages end in divorce. 

It is also true that there will be rocky times in any marriage. Outside the home, couples lead separate lives, and sometimes they fail to share the problems they experience at work and with friends. When those problems extend into married life, sex can be something that neither person wants to engage in. But how else can a married couple keep things together? 

Sex is an expression of love and devotion, and an act that should be reserved for them alone. Sex relieves tension, promotes closeness and allows two people to know each other more intimately than anyone else can. That is part of the reason why marriage is sacred. 

Sex is extremely important in a marriage, and if you feel that your sex life is slowly dwindling, it might be time to take it up a few notches. Surprise one another with a candlelight dinner while the kids are spending the night at friends’ houses; come home for a quickie on the lunch hour; take a weekend (just the two of you) in a different city; whatever it takes. Sex should be a part of the marriage that lasts well into adult life, and should be a cornerstone upon which your marriage is built. 

How often should a married couple have sex?"

Answer: The Bible doesn’t tell us how often a married couple should have sex, it does tell us that a couple is to abstain only when it is a mutual decision. 1 Corinthians 7:5 tells us, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." So, mutual consent is the "rule" for how often a married couple should have sex. The "rule" is that abstaining from sex must be agreed upon, and that even when it is agreed upon, it should only be for a short time.

Sex should not be withheld or demanded. If one spouse does not want to have sex, the other spouse should agree to abstain. If one spouse wants to have sex, the other spouse should agree. It is all a matter of compromise. We must remember that our bodies belong to our spouses, as 1 Corinthians 7:4 tells us, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." Obviously, the "sexual compromise" in marriage must be reasonable. If one spouse desires sex every day, and the other spouse once a month or less, they will have to lovingly and sacrificially agree to a compromise, a middle ground. Studies show that taking into account all age ranges, a typical married couple has sex 2 times per week

Your wife needs your closeness, your nonsexual approach that communicates genuine caring. Here are six ways to show her you love her:

·        Touch her arm or knee when you talk with her. Your gentle touch communicates, “I’m here. You’re not alone. I enjoy you. I’ll take care of you.”

·        Make an effort to spend time alone together – go out for dinner, for a walk, or out for coffee. Show her (and others) that you enjoy the intimacy of being alone with her.

·        Grab her hand and hold it when you’re out in public.

·        Give her a kiss and a hug when you leave and return home.

·        Don’t see every complaint as an attack. Women think as long as they feel the marriage is working, they can talk about it. On the other hand, most men feel the relationship isn’t working if they have to talk about it. Allow her to express what’s on her mind.

·        Recognize her strong emotions as exclamation marks. When she is upset, angry, or frustrated, realize that these emotions are her way of letting you know how much the issue at hand matters to her.

Keep God in Your Marriage

Some Christian experts on marriage will tell you that the best thing you can do for your marriage is to keep God in your marriage in every way (John Piper © Desiring God; Marriage: God's Idea ~ Focus on the Family). You need to remember that it was God who brought you together and God who will keep you together. Marriage is not easy, even for the strongest of couples, but when you take the time to remember God each and every day, your marriage will stay strong.

Remember Your Wedding Vows

When you get married, you take a vow in front of God and your family. These vows are not just words that you say. They mean something and when you have a hard day with your spouse, take a few moments to reflect on your wedding vows. This will really help you remember the reasons you married and will help you appreciate your spouse more.

Pray and Worship Together

Strong Christian couples always take the time to pray and worship together. Believe it or not, praying together will help you better understand your spouse’s inner thoughts and feelings. This, in turn, will help keep the lines of communication open. Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage. At the end of a very busy day, take just a few moments to hold each other’s hands and pray together. Attend church services together and teach others about your strong marriage by attending Sunday school together.

 

Let Nothing Come Between You

Sometimes this may sound easier said than done, but when you are married, you have a commitment to each other. Make a pact that nothing comes between you. You need to remember that even while you are tempted. You need to remember that after you have cared for your children all day long and feel tired. You need to remember that when you have had a disagreement. While you may not always agree on everything, you need to make sure that whatever the situation may be, it will not separate you physically or spiritually.

February 11, 2010