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    Friday, March 28, 2014

    Flight 370 families, I Feel Your Pain

    The disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is an enormous tragedy for the families of the victims.  It is excruciating to live through the pain, helplessness, shock and anger. It is as hard to regain some degree of normalcy.
    I know because I've been there. In 1985, my beloved father died on the Japan Airlines Flight 123 that crashed outside of Tokyo, killing more than 500 passengers and crew. It's one the largest plane accidents in the history of aviation.
    Sitting on the tatami mat in the city hall in the small village close to the crash site, surrounded by hundreds of other people looking for their loved ones, I felt desperate, scared and suffocated. Contemplating another day of looking at pine wood boxes with inscriptions like, "part of left hand, possibly male," I thought the agony would never end.

    How can I steel myself to keep on looking to try to identify some remains of what was once my dear father, hero to his family? Emotionally, physically and in every way, I felt drained of life force, like the body fragments in the boxes we were going through one by one in our search for our loved ones.
    All these years later the scars still sting when scratched, as they were when Flight 370 vanished. I want to share with the grieving, scared and frustrated relatives of Flight 370 victims that while life will never be the same, it will get better. It will take time, but you will laugh again and the sun will come out once more.

    The lack of closure is the hardest part. How do you know for sure that those on the plane are gone since their bodies have not been found? What if they are alive somewhere waiting for you to rescue them? How do you have a funeral when there are no remains? How can you be so sure?
    But the truth is that while you may hold out hope, the world is presuming they are gone forever. You have to accept it and move on.

    Here are some steps that helped me recover from my loss. Perhaps it could be of help to the families of Flight 370:
    The sole representative of families of passengers aboard missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 leaves a conference at a Beijing hotel on Friday, March 28, after other relatives left en masse to protest the Malaysian government's response to their questions. Authorities are combing thousands of square miles of the southern Indian Ocean in search of the wreckage of Flight 370, which disappeared March 8. Malaysian authorities declared that the plane had most likely been lost with all aboard in the remote sea far off Australia.

    A member of the Royal Australian Air Force is silhouetted against the southern Indian Ocean during the search for the missing jet on Thursday, March 27.

    Flight Lt. Jayson Nichols looks at a map aboard a Royal Australian Air Force aircraft during a search on March 27.

    People in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, light candles during a ceremony held for the missing flight's passengers on March 27.

    Crew members of the Chinese icebreaking ship Xuelong scan the Indian Ocean during a search for the missing jet on Wednesday, March 26.

    People work at a console at the British satellite company Inmarsat on Tuesday, March 25, in London.

    The mother of a passenger who was on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 cries at her home in Medan, Indonesia, on March 25.

    Australian Defense Minister David Johnston speaks to the media March 25 about the search for the missing jet.

    A family member of a missing passenger reacts after hearing the latest news March 25 in Kuala Lumpur.

    Angry relatives of those aboard Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 react in Beijing on Monday, March 24, after hearing that the plane went down over the southern Indian Ocean, according to analysis of satellite data.

    Grieving relatives of missing passengers leave a hotel in Beijing on March 24.

    Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, center, delivers a statement about the flight March 24 in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Razak's announcement came after the airline sent a text message to relatives saying it "deeply regrets that we have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH 370 has been lost and that none of those onboard survived."

    Relatives of the missing passengers hold a candlelight vigil in Beijing on March 24

    A member of the Royal Australian Air Force looks out an aircraft during a search for the missing jet March 24

    A woman reads messages for missing passengers at a shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur on March 24.

    Flight Lt. Josh Williams of the Royal Australian Air Force operates the controls of an AP-3C Orion on Sunday, March 23, after searching the southern Indian Ocean.

    Ground crew members wave to a Japanese Maritime Defense Force patrol plane as it leaves the Royal Malaysian Air Force base in Subang, Malaysia, on Sunday, March 23. The plane was heading to Australia to join a search-and-rescue operation

    A passenger views a weather map in the departures terminal of Kuala Lumpur International Airport on Saturday, March 22.

    A Chinese satellite captured this image, released on March 22, of a floating object in the Indian Ocean, according to China's State Administration of Science. It is a possible lead in the search for the missing plane. Surveillance planes are looking for two objects spotted by satellite imagery in remote, treacherous waters more than 1,400 miles from the west coast of Australia.

    A member of the Royal Australian Air Force looks down at the Norwegian merchant ship Hoegh St. Petersburg, which took part in search operations Friday, March 21

    1. Grieve. Allow the pain to be released. Cry, punch the pillows, share stories, do what you need to let the feelings out. Let the emotions flow.
    2. Get support. From your family, friends and experts. From your spiritual source, in prayer or in nature. In time, maybe join a bereavement group.
    3. Eat as healthy as you can.
    4. Get rest, even if you can't sleep well, take some down time.
    5. Move. Walk, exercise, play a sport, dance, do something physical so that the feelings can be dissipated.
    6. Go into nature. Nature is big enough to hold you and your grief. Nature is healing.
    7. Know that your loved one(s) are at peace and will be with you always.
    8. Help someone who may be in a worse situation than you. In my case I saw that a couple of American families didn't make the trip to Japan. I sent them notes to let them know that I prayed for their loved ones, and that everyone was very kind and respectful in the whole search process.
    9. Trust that something good will come out of this tragedy. We may not know what it is, or how, but it will happen. My father's death helped me learn how to be more present, to survive adversity, and appreciate the wonderful kindness of strangers.

    From disaster I've learned to be strong and flexible, and to seek assistance when I need it. With faith and courage I can make a positive difference in other people's lives. During the course of my life, I've been fortunate to reach many of the goals I had set. I know that my dad was there, guiding, supporting and inspiring me the entire time. He smiled with pride with each new milestone that I crossed.

    I believe all of us can grow and thrive through the trials of life with peace and happiness. It just takes one step at a time. The families of Flight 370 victims will come out of this tragedy different -- but they will endure and honor the memories of their loved ones.

    By Marilyn Tam
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