Surviving a break-up

The breakup of an important love relationship is the most traumatic of human experiences and we have all suffered through at least one I am sure. In many ways we can more easily cope with the death of a loved one. Although we don't understand death, at least we understand its finality. With the breakup of a relationship, days and weeks of lingering and haunting "ifs" often follow. The pain can penetrate every fiber of our being. In the days following the breakup we think of little else than the one we loved and trusted, the one we had so much invested in. Everywhere we go we are reminded of them--a face in a crowd, the flash of a familiar shirt, a distant voice, a song. In an effort to get away from things we may take a trip, only to find that in some way it reminds us of a special place we visited with our loved one. We struggle daily to force them from our thoughts only to find we are spending all of our time doing so.

He’s gone and left you. She offers a shoulder to cry on.

You can't eat, can't sleep, it's hard to concentrate at school. You're feeling miserable, cry all the time and nobody seems to understand. But there's no medicine for this illness, your GP can't make you feel any better - this is the age-old sickness of having a broken heart.

Having your heart broken is one of the worst things we all have to go through, but you aren't alone, everyone has their heart broken at some point in their life, unfortunately it's all part of growing up! Even the celebrities that seem to have it all, have to suffer through it. Just look at Justin Timberlake, he wrote a whole album about his break-up with Britney - so it's not just us mere mortals that get hurt in the game of love.

The only thing to remember when your heart it broken is that it will get better, in time your confidence will come back and you will wonder why you were ever upset in the first place. As much as it hurts, without the heartbreak, we would never know when we have found true love - you have to go through the bad to really appreciate the good, (but not all the time and not in all things), kiss a few frogs to recognize when you have found your prince! Remember, it's better to be on your own than stay with someone who is not right for you, who hurts you, cheats on you or tries to make you do something you don't want to.

So feel free to cry your eyes out while watching 'Love Actually' but try and keep smiling. Hang out with your friends and do all the things you enjoyed doing before you were so cruelly dumped. It does get better and that old cliché is true - there are plenty more fish in the sea!

Turn to your girlfriends, eat chocolate, watch episodes of Friends in your pyjamas, in short do anything and everything to cheer yourself up. We're great in a crisis, and your mates will rally round with a shoulder to cry on, a bag of make up and wardrobe of clothes to try a gorgeous new look. Then there's the essential ingredient to getting over any boy - a wooden spoon to sing the girls' anthem 'I will survive' into. Don't be afraid to be on your own though, sometimes it's good to lock yourself in your bedroom, listen to good songs and have a good old cry. Just don't forget your friends are there for you. It will get easier and if this boy doesn't want you, then you shouldn't want him either, every girl deserves to feel like a princess and if a boy doesn't do that, wouldn't you rather hang out with your mates anyway? She had her heart broken plenty of times over the years and look who she ended up with. So hang in there, Prince Charming is just around the corner!

Chances are that, at least once in your lifetime, you will experience a break-up. The most important thing to keep in mind is that it happens to everyone, and life does go on. As someone who has gone through several break-ups, I can attest that as bleak as things may look, eventually the pain and hurt do dissipate. There was a life before him, and there will be a life after him. One of the best moments of life is waking up and realizing that you can stand on your own again. But, things are easier said than done, and everyone has a different healing process.

Relationships can become an addiction, and once they're over, the withdrawal can be consuming. Typically, people go through these stages:

 

The Mourning Stage

The break-up can be imminent or spontaneous, but real nonetheless. Give yourself some time to deal with the revelation and to adjust to the change. It's natural to feel sadness, grief and depression - just don't dwell on it. Don't be afraid to get it all out. Cry if you have to, wallow in self-pity, write in your journal. The important thing is to try to accept what happened and to move on.

 

The Angry Stage

All of a sudden, you can hear every mean thing he's said, all the stupid things he's done, all the lies he's told. You make a list of all the things you wish would fall on his head. Trust me, I've been fixated on this stage many times before. This part of the process is natural, as long as you keep your rage in check. Keying his car may seem like a good idea at the time, but in the long run it won't change things or make them better, and you may end up on Judge Judy as the "psycho ex-girlfriend."

 

The Preoccupied Stage

People experiencing this step immerse themselves in every activity under the sun, from scuba diving to building bird feeders. It's very constructive to keep yourself busy, but don't use this as a way to ignore your feelings.

 

The Lonely Stage

Couples surround you everywhere you go. Even your cat is getting some action. You feel abandoned, alone, and depressed. Take this time to really think about your situation. Are you missing the person, the comfort, or the relationship? You don't have to be alone. Re-connect with old friends, or concentrate on cementing close relationships. Don't be afraid to seek comfort in your friends and family, that's what they're there for. 

September 13, 2008